Frack Me

Fracking"
I was reading about hydro fracking.  first of all, the word "fracking."  perfect word to describe a process that fracks the earth.  There should be no confusion to ANYBODY about how shitty this is to the planet.  Hence the EPA giving the thumbs up.  

They stick a tube down into the earth and pump fluid down there, causing pressure to release oil.  Raping the land quite literally.  I don't know the exact science, but I guess, nine months later, an oil baby is born.

Couldn't the scientist who came up with this have said,
   -"you know what--I'll keep this one to myself."  

instead he said:
   -"Do you know where can I cash this?  Does the bank on this check have a local branch?"

the EPA says there's no definitive proof that this is going to cause serious problems.  Already water supplies have been contaminated, and somebody's well blew up.  jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water, and Jack and Jill were vaporized.  There was nothing left--not even a crown.   

The EPA says there's no definitive proof that this is going to cause serious problems.  

-You could describe this process to a three year old with hearing problems and said three year old would say "that doesn't sound right.  I may have literally been born yesterday, but that sounds awful."     

POSSIBLE UPCOMING DISNEY MUSICAL PROJECTS

POSSIBLE UPCOMING DISNEY MUSICAL PROJECTS:

The following is a list of possible upcoming Disney movie musicals, written specifically for children.

SCHINDLER'S LIST-- Oscar Schindler (voiced by Michael J. Fox) is a lovable owner of a slinky factory in Germany. When the evil Nazi Commander (Alan Rickman) threatens to take all of Schindler's Jews to the Concentration Camps, it's up to Schindler and his sidekick, Latkah Goldstein the talking potato pancake (voiced by David Cross), to save the day. Memorable scene: Schindler jumping over the Auschwitz walls using specialized Slinky boots.

2001: A Space Odyssey
PART 1: Join the madcap adventures of the lovable Caveman Moog (Kevin James) as he struggles to survive in the era of primitive man. One day, he happens upon the mysterious Monolith, who turns out to be a wacky sidekick voiced by Chelsea Handler. The Monolith teaches Moog how to kill to survive, and Moog teaches the Monolith about friendship.

PART II-Astronaut Dave Bowman (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson) struggles to tame his mad cap computer, HAL 9000 (Robin Williams). With the help of Frank Pool, an astronaut Mouse (Julia Roberts), Bowman has to foil HAL's plan to destroy the Monolith.

Tangled: The story of the Marquis De Sade - The Marquis De Sade (Danny DeVito) falls in love with the beautiful Maid, Elizabeth (Kiera Knightly). He captures Elizabeth and puts her in his magical torture chamber filled with a myriad of sidekicks, including a talking whip named Whippersnapper (Dennis Miller), a torture rack named Racky (Jeffery Tambour) and a hot poker named Pokie (Nathan Lane).

The Human Centipede: Three adventurous brothers (voiced by the Jonas Brothers) go on a journey to find fortune. When they happen across a mad scientist (Christopher Lloyd) who promises to make them rich, they proceed, having no idea what's in store for them.

Notable songs: "One Man's Trash is Another Man's Dinner," "A Hole New World," and "Please Kill Me."

Caligula: A shot-for-shot remake of the 1970's film.

1st chapter of a novel I'm thinking of writing

In order to increase internet search engine optimization, I want to inform you that I did not get help on this from Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Kim Kardashian, President Barack Obama, anyone from Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, or cum guzzling sluts.

I already hate this novel. Usually, I have to finish the entire draft before I can't stand it. It's nice to see that I've matured.

I'm a sad person. I don't have many friends, I'm a thirty-year-old virgin, I have a massive ego, and my greatest achievement in life thus far is that I kind of helped write content for a college website.

For me, "success" is unbridled admiration from one's peers and the ability for one's art to withstand the test of time. As a result, I won't really know how successful I've been until after I've been dead for a hundred years. And I have the terrible suspicion that one hundred years after I am dead, I will not only be dead, I will also be disappointed. But seeing as how I am a 30 year old virgin, being dead and disappointed is already kind of the status quo.

I want success. I want fame. I want recognition. I want money. I want a meaningful relationship. I thought if I did what I was told in school, these things would follow. Moreover, I thought that if I treated people nicely, these things would follow. Now, I am not so sure.

I've been working at stand-up comedy now for two years, and I am disappointed that I am not a genius at it. Even if I manage to get good enough to do it for a living--even if I eventually win the Mark Twain award for humor, I won't be known as that "genius" who came along and was instantly good. This depresses me further.

The more I do stand-up, the less sure I am of anything. Whether or not I am funny, whether or not other people are funny, what funny is, what funny isn't, etc. I am not sure that funny is something that can be explained in words. And I'm tired of trying to find the "key" to comedy. Either you got it or you ain't, and I fear that I ain't.

And where does that leave me? I enjoy writing, telling stories, telling jokes. So I must continue to do so, even if no one laughs. Therefore, I write this novel in an effort to amuse myself (of course, my egotistical desire is that, in amusing myself, I'm able to amuse what will become a consistent and faithful fan base).

One thing I have learned from stand-up is that I have to reveal something of myself if I want to be heard. And yet, at the same time, I really want to write a novel about a space ship that vaguely resembles a dildo. So this will be an attempt to reveal within the realm of science fiction.

1

According to Jerry Seinfeld, there is a difference between stand-up comedy and "humor." I interpret this as follows: Stand-up comedy makes an audience laugh. "Humor" makes an audience say to themselves "that's funny." I am in hell right now, as I think about these kinds of quotes from famous comedians.

I wake up in the morning and do the following:
*rock back and forth in my bed and hum the theme to Star Trek
*Brush my teeth.
*Feel guilty about not flossing.
*Write one page of stream of consciousness in which, for the last six years, the phrase "as for the rest of my lifetime program, give me more of the same." That's a quote from a song from "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying," and I'm not sure what it means. Nevertheless, it pops up in this stream of consciousness writing, and may well be the key to my insanity.
*Cry occasionally, and then congratulate myself on the fact that I am emotionally available--though does it count if you're all by yourself?
*Go to work.

I work at the kind of place where one email from a person forty states away can destroy an entire day. My co-workers, normal human beings who are slowly being driven insane by the corporation in which they work, are decent people who attempt to balance unfathomable suffering and loss with doing something nice over the weekend.

Just re-reading the past few paragraphs. I'm not impressed. Woody Allen would have banged out about fifteen one-liners by now. But onward.

This daily routine has gone on now for about two years. While I do not like surprises and excitement, I often fantasize that, like Bilbo Baggins, I am just about to go on a tremendous adventure.

Speaking of Bilbo Baggins, that's pretty much who I am. A crotchety old man in a crotchety young man's body. I think I'm also a lot like Snarf from "Thundercats,"

Hang on a minute--I'm just trying to figure out how to artfully get the plot moving. Everything at this point feels contrived, so I'm just going to get to it.

A large star ship, which looked a lot like your generic dildo, was hovering over my apartment. I had just come back from dinner at the local Japanese restaurant, where I had eaten a bowl of Chicken Terryaki. I have no idea why I included that bit about the Japanese restaurant into the narrative--but it does remind me of a story I wrote in elementary school in which a family went on a journey around the world to track down a falling star. But at each destination, the entire family would stop to eat at a restaurant. And I would go into detail about what kind of food they ate. It would be like Luke Skywalker stopping for Brazilian food on the way to the Degobah System and writing a review of it on Yelp.

At any rate, as I was opening the door to my apartment, sensing an unpleasant bowl movement in the near future, I noticed the ship hovering above me. It did not make a sound, and looked to be the size of five or six city blocks. And, as I said, it looked like a dildo. I could go more in depth as to the color, texture, and what have you, but honestly, who gives a shit. You know what a dildo looks like and whatever ship you see in your imagination is going to be much more interesting than my version. And I'm not a huge fan of overly descriptive passages in novels. I'm also not a huge fan of writers who go on tangents--well, that's a lie. If the tangent is interesting and/or funny, I'll go along for the ride. But I digress.

Back to the ship. I often wondered how I would actually react to this kind of a thing. I had assumed that it would be with shock, and that I would freeze and not know what to do. That's about what happened.

There was a flash of light, and I was standing in a large, spherical room. A guy, wearing all plaid, was standing at a computer terminal--also plaid. He pressed a light on the terminal.

"We have him," he said.

"Excellent. Bring him to the Gazebo," a voice responded.

"Come with me," the man in plaid ordered me.

"Do I need an attorney?" I asked, knowing that my parents would be proud of me for taking care of the legal ramifications at the top of any mess.

"You are not in trouble. Quite the contrary. You have been chosen."

"For what?"

"It would be best if we went to the Gazebo. I should add that my name is Jack. Jack Barista."

"Jack Barista," I said, instantly forgetting his name. I have trouble remembering names because I'm too freaked out with the social interaction to function. Being instantly transported to a giant dildo had only exacerbated the social anxiety.

Jack Barista led me out of the room, into a corridor. It was at this point that I realized that every surface of this ship was, essentially, a touch screen. My shoulder brushed along one of the walls, and the entire corridor was instantly covered in advertisements for shoulder pads.

We entered a larger spherical room in which five or six other men (all wearing plaid) were pressing buttons on the walls. One of the guys was typing with his hands while pressing buttons on the floor with his feet.
Jack brought me up to one of the men, whose plaid consisted of four gold stripes.

"This is Captain Roger Portfolio Manager."

"Hello," the Captain said. "Your assistance is required."

"Are you talking to me, because if you guys, who have probably conquered both the speed of light and time travel, require my assistance, you're probably screwed." I replied, in an attempt to be funny. The attempt failed.

"We will explain to you later why we have brought you here. Know, though, that you are safe, and that we shall not lie to you."

Excellent, I thought to myself. Now I knew for sure that I was not safe and that they were lying to me. My mother has taught me well.

"What you must know now is that we have left the earth's orbit, and are returning to the 51st century."

"I didn't feel a thing. Is this ship a Lexus?" Another attempt to be funny that failed.

"Jack Barista will take you to your living quarters. Obama willing, we shall survive what is yet to come."

"Can I at least ask why this room is called a 'Gazebo?'"

"Why wouldn't it be called a gazebo?" the captain shrugged. As he shrugged, advertisements for wikipedia appeared all over the room.

"Shouldn't it be called a 'bridge?'"

"Why would we call it a bridge?

"Good question."

Barista wrangled me out of the Gazebo. As we walked down another corridor, other crewmen (yes, all wearing plaid) passed us.

"So is the captain also a portfolio manager?" I asked.

"That's his last name. At some point in the past, one of his ancestors was probably a portfolio manager."

"And one of your ancestors was a Barista?"

"That is correct. Legend has it that my ancestor once worked an entire shift in a downtown Los Angeles Starbucks during the morning rush by himself."

"Wow. You come from royal stock."

I was deposited in my quarters and instructed how to use the food dispenser and the toilet. I got the sense that Barista didn't want to talk long, as evidenced by his leaving the room as soon as possible.

The shock was beginning to wear off. I was terrified. I started to cry--but of course, I encountered the usual throat tension that I worked so hard to release in drama school. So in order to finish crying, I had to think about that scene from the movie Contact where Ellie talks to her "father," the latter of whom was actually an alien using the image of said father as a medium. Her father had died when she was younger, and--I feel awkward explaining the plot of this movie. Go to IMDB and read the synopsis.

Obscure Quotes Uttered by Famous Historical Figures

Obscure Quotes Uttered by Famous Historical Figures:


"We're out of toilet paper."

-George Washington

"Fuck you, Brutus,"

-Julius Caesar (uttered right after "Et Tu, Brute")

"Be honest. Does this tie make me look fat?"

-William Howard Taft

"Where be the bitches?"

-Ben Franklin

"You can spin it any way you like, this is the mother of all unhappy endings."

-Pocohantus

"Then you make a come hither motion with your finger."

-Ben Franklin

"There's something familiar about my wife."

-Oedipus

"I also invented the money shot."

-Ben Franklin

"I am so the smartest guy on this continent."

-John Adams

"I'm sorry to hear about your mother."

-Adolph Hitler

"What kind of moron would think that the Earl of Oxford wrote my plays? I don't need to put my name on them."

-William Shakespeare

"I'm pretty sure I'm the Devil. But don't tell anybody."

-Andrew Jackson

English to True English Translator

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it"

Translation: I'll throw you off that bridge when we come to it.

"How did he/she die?"

Translation: "How can I avoid this person's fate?"

"These things happen."

Translation: God loves me more than you, right?

"Stranger things have happened."

Translation: Whatever you're going to do is probably going to fail, and I'm too nice to be honest about it.

"If there's anything I can do, let me know."

Translation: Please God, let there not be anything I can do.

"She's cute/nice/sweet/a good person"

Translation: She's not the supermodel you're hoping for, and frankly, you deserve far worse.

"Don't worry, I'm sure things will work out for you."

Translation: I'm tired of interacting with you, so I'll pretend to be God to get you to shut up.

Original Ending to Walt Disney's "Tangled" AKA Rapunzel

The following is taken from the script for the recent Disney film "Tangled."  This was to be the original ending, but was changed at the last minute due to budget constraints.  Enjoy.

INT.  TOWER.  MORNING

Flynn, mortally wounded, has just cut off Rapunzel's hair.  As a result, her hair no longer has the power to save him from his doom.  Mother Gothel, enraged and rapidly aging, falls to her doom and she turns to dust before her body hits the ground.

RAPUNZEL

Flynn... don't die!

FLYNN

You were... my new dream.

He dies. 

RAPUNZEL

No, Flynn!  No!

She starts to cry.  Suddenly, she looks up with hope in her eyes.

RAPUNZEL

Wait a minute!  I've still got my pubic hair!

She lifts her skirt and takes off her undergarments.  Twenty-five feet of pubic hair emerge.  She grabs Flynn's face and rams it into her pelvic area.  

RAPUNZEL

Flower gleam and glow,

let your power shine,

Save what has been lost,

Bring back what once was mine...

Sparks and other forms of energy fly out of her pelvic girdle, surrounding Flynn's body.  His wound is healed, and he is brought back to life.

FLYNN

What... what happened?

RAPUNZEL

I brought you back to life with my pubic hair.

FLYNN

I'll never ask you to get a bikini wax again.

END CREDITS

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon -- A Parody

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

A Parody

EXT.  SPACE.  LONG AGO

OPTIMUS PRIME (VOICE OVER)
Do I need to give you an opening narration?  Haven’t we gotten the general idea?  Autobots, Decepticons, etc.  The fact is, the only reason why I do these bits of narration is because my voice is cool to listen to.  It doesn’t matter what I say.  Oreo cookies.  Vaginas.  Richard Chamberlain.  There’s your narration.  Enjoy the Goddamned film.

The ARC crashes on the moon.

INT.  OVAL OFFICE.  EARLY 1960s.

A bunch of STATESMEN stand around PRESIDENT KENNEDY.

KENNEDY

Do you mean to tell me that an alien ship has crash-landed on the moon?

STATESMAN 1

Yes, sir.

KENNEDY

Does it have anything to do with that alien cube that was mentioned in the first film, and the alien device located within the great Pyramids that was touched on in the second film?

STATESMAN 1

We’re under strict orders from the Pentagon not to reference backstory from the first two films.

KENNEDY

Because if we do that, we could save a lot of time and suffering.

STATESMAN 1

Our orders are clear.

KENNEDY

All right then.  Gentlemen, we need to get our people up to the moon and determine the origin of this alien ship, for we have “never before” encountered anything like it.

STATESMAN 1

Yes, sir.

KENNEDY
If the executives who plotted out this film have some free time, I need some help planning the Bay of Pigs.

EXT.  MOON.  A FEW YEARS LATER

The Eagle lands.  NEIL ARMSTRONG and BUZZ ALDRIN step out.

ARMSTRONG
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

ALDRIN
Are we still in the prologue?  This makes the prologue of the Tree Of Life look rushed.

ARMSTRONG
Proceeding to crash site.

EXT.  ANOTHER PART OF MOON.  LATER

Armstrong and Aldren reach the ship.

ARMSTRONG

We only have five minutes of air.  Setting instruments to scan for McGuffins.

They search through the ship.

ARMSTRONG
Wow.  This is amazing.  Isn’t this amazing?  Wow.

EXT.  OCEAN.  LATER

Apollo 11 touches down.  The astronauts take out silver briefcases and hand them to the Navy retrieval team.

ARMSTRONG
Careful.  Those McGuffins are precious.

INT.  SAM’S APARTMENT.  PRESENT DAY

Sam Witwiki wakes up.

SAM

I had another prologue nightmare.  In the last one, I was crashing the Kelvin into a Romulan ship.  Oh, how I miss that nightmare now.

CASEY, Sam’s new girlfriend, walks up to him, holding a large bunny.

LOVE INTEREST

I got you this lucky bunny.

OPTIMUS PRIME knocks on the window.

OPTIMUS
I know I’m a few scenes early, but I was just checking to make sure that this is really happening.  We’re going with the notion that this blonde model saw you, instantly fell in love with you, and now you’re living together.

SAM

If I had known this when I was signing the three-picture deal, I still would have signed it.

(to Audience)
As would ANY of you.

OPTIMUS
Fair enough.

He leaves.

EXT.  APARTMENT.  DAY

Sam leaves his apartment just as his parents are arriving. 

MOTHER
Hello Sam!  You have a small penis! 

FATHER
Hello Sam!  I openly disapprove of you but quietly love you!

SAM

Glad they brought you back.

MOTHER
Can I just take this opportunity to break away from the film and advertise that I’ll be appearing as Blanche in the West End Production of Streetcar Named Desire?

FATHER
And I’ll be in the new David Mamet play in Chicago.

SAM
(to audience)
You guys should really check these folks out.  They’re terrific.

EXT.  CHERNOYBL.  LATER

Optimus arrives with MAIN SOLDIER GUY and the other Soldiers.

MAIN SOLDIER GUY
The Russian Contact guy said he’d meet us here.

OPTIMUS

At Chernobyl.  A fitting location.  A fitting metaphor.

RUSSIAN CONTACT GUY

Right this way, gentlemen!  I must show you the inciting incident!

LASERBEAK, a Decepticon, watching from the shadows.

INT.  REACTOR ROOM.  MOMENTS LATER

The Russian Contact Guy shows Main Soldier Guy a piece of technology.

MAIN SOLDIER GUY

It appears to be something important.

Suddenly, a tentacle from a giant WORM operated by SOUNDWAVE knocks over part of the room.

EXT.  FACTORY.  MOMENTS LATER

The worm chases Optimus.  Optimus transforms, and his trailer also transforms into a locker.

OPTIMUS

Let me take a quick second to equip myself with some weapons. 

He pulls out some weapons from the locker, and puts in a couple of college textbooks and a sack lunch.

He proceeds to cut off the head of one of the smaller segments of the giant worm.

Soundwave, standing on top of the worm, looks at Optimus.

SOUNDWAVE

Optimus!

He and the worm disappear below ground.

MAIN SOLDIER GUY
Who was that?

OPTIMUS

That… is Shockwave.

MAIN SOLDIER GUY
How do you know him?

OPTIMUS
We went to the same undergraduate university together.  Though he was a business major whilst I was a communications major, we were both in the honors choir. 

MAIN SOLIDER GUY
And what is this piece of equipment?

OPTIMUS

That… is impossible.

END ACT 1

ACT II:  Sam runs around and screams.  Optimus makes ominous predictions.  John Malcovich, Francis McDormand, John Turturro, and Patrick Dempsy do their best.

END ACT II

ACT III

EXT.  CHICAGO STREET.  DAY

Sam, Optimus, Main Soldier Guy, OTHER SOLDIER GUY, and the other autobots stand in the ravaged streets of Chicago.

OPTIMUS

Don’t worry.  I’m sure we can figure out a way to blame all this damage on Blagojevich.

SAM

My girlfriend has been kidnapped by RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK guy, and we’ve got to go and save her.

OPTIMUS
And I must face SENTINEL PRIME, voiced by Leonard Nimoy, and thus far, the most fleshed out character in this entire series.

EXT.  CHICAGO BUILDING.  DAY

Sentinel Prime turns on the McGuffins.

SENTINEL PRIME

Oh, Optimus Prime!  You must learn that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

INT.  MOVIE THEATRE.  DAY

JOSHUA SNYDER, who’s currently watching Transformers 3, wigs out.

JOSHUA
Oh my God!  That’s hysterical!  Sentinel Prime, voiced by Leonard Nimoy, is quoting a line uttered by Spock in Star Trek II the Wrath of Kahn.

Josh’s penis explodes.

INT.  SKYSCRAPER.  LATER

Sam sneaks into the 125^th floor of the skyscraper.  He pulls a gun on RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK GUY

SAM

WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?

RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK GUY
Can I get a chance to answer the…

SAM
WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?  WHERE IS SHE?

LOVE INTEREST
Jesus!  I’m right here!

SAM
Let’s get out of here.  We’ll just hop on this alien hovership.

They do so.

EXT.  SKYLINE.  MOMENTS LATER

Other Decepticons fire at the hovership, which causes it to crash in a huge fireball.

EXT.  STREET.  CONTINUOUS

Sam brushes off a few bits of dust.

SAM

Right.  Onto the next stunt.

EXT.  SKYSCRAPER.  CONTINUOUS

STARSCREAM flies up to Sentinel Prime

STARSCREAM
The humans have escaped!

SENTINEL
Quickly!  Get me the screenwriter!

SCREENWRITER
What’s up?

SENTINEL

We need to buy some time.  Can you write in a sequence where the humans get trapped in skyscraper as it falls on its side?

SCREENWRITER
Are you thinking this would take two or three minutes?

SENTINEL

Two or three?  Try fifteen or twenty. 

SCREENWRITER
You’re the boss.

INT.  SKYSCRAPER.  MOMENTS LATER

Sam et all find themselves in an abandoned skyscraper.  At once, Shockwave’s giant worm rips the skyscraper apart, and the top half falls over.

As they are tossed about.

SAM

(to LOVE INTEREST)
Don’t be afraid.

LOVE INTEREST
I’m actually not afraid.  Does anybody have any uppers?

EXT.  SKYSCRAPER.  CONTINUOUS

Optimus flies in.

OPTIMUS
I’ll save you.  It’s a shame I’m not the protagonist.  We could save a lot of time.

He kills the unstoppable worm creature with a single shot to some random part of its body.

Then he gets caught in a bunch of crane ropes.

OPTIMUS

I’m caught in these ropes.  I’d free myself with the sword that’s attached to my arm, but the plot’s not in any hurry, so why should I be?

EXT.  STREET.  LATER

Sam faces off against RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK guy.

RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK

You’re on the loosing side, Sam.  I’m on the winning side. 

SAM

At this point, everybody’s loosing.

RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK

In life there are winners and there are loosers.  And winners are people who attach themselves to winners.   Like the British when they attached themselves to the South during the Civil War, or like when Mousilini attached himself to Hitler.  Or when Darth Vader attached himself to the Evil Emperor.

SAM

And you’re the CEO of an accounting firm?  Who’s your client?  Bernie Madoff?

He punches the Rich Attractive Prick, who falls against the main McGuffin device, causing it to shut down.

EXT. STREET.  LATER

Optimus faces off against Sentinel Prime.

SENTINEL

Optimus, can’t you understand that I… oh, the hell with it.  Let’s just fight.

(fifteen minute fight scene.  Optimus kills Sentinel)

MEGATRON
Excuse me, would you mind killing me as well.  I just got an offer to appear as the main villain in the next James Bond film.

OPTIMUS
With pleasure.

He kills Megatron.

Sam runs up to Optimus.

SAM
We did it, Optimus.

OPTIMUS
No, Sam.  I did it.

SAM
You want to do that thing where we look knowingly into each other’s eyes for a prolonged period of time?

OPTIMUS
Sounds like a plan.

They look knowingly into each other’s eyes for a prolonged period of time.

THE END

GREEN LANTERN - A PARODY

GREEN LANTERN- A SUMMARY

EXT.  SPACE.  TUESDAY

A large spaceship flies by.  ABON SUR stares out of the cockpit.  ABON SUR is speaking via intercom to SINESTRO.

ABON SUR
No sign of the cause of the destruction of all these planets. 

SINESTRO
Uh, Abon, you’re a Green Lantern, right?

ABON SUR
Yes.

SINESTRO
You can fly through space using only the power of your ring, right?

ABON SUR
Yes.

SINESTRO
Then why are you flying a spacecraft?

ABON SUR
It makes taking a shit tons easier.

Abon Sur is at once attacked by PARALLEX, a massive black and yellow cloud of evil.

ABON SUR
You snuck up on me!

PARALLEX

I know.  Kind of shocking, considering I’m the size of a small moon.

He stabs Abon Sur in the shoulder.

PARALLEX
There!  You’ll never play tennis well again!

Abon Sur runs into an escape pod and leaves the ship.

PARALLEX

I should go after that slowly escaping escape pod, but I do need to use the restroom…

INT.  HAL JORDAN’S APARTMENT.  DAY

HAL lies in bed with a beautiful woman. 

He wakes up and looks at the clock.

HAL
Oh no!  I’m late!

He gets out of bed.  (note that he is wearing a pair of underwear that looks like it just came out of the packaging)

HAL

(to woman)
It was enjoyable doing PG things with you last night.  But I have to go!

INT.  LOCKER ROOM.  LATER

Hal is getting into his pilot’s outfit.  CARROL FARRIS, the love interest, enters.

FARRIS
How dare you arrive two or three minutes late on the day of a test flight!  We have to fly against those automated planes, and you know how automated planes get when they’re kept waiting.

HAL
I’m not afraid.

FARRIS
I never said you were…

HAL
Do you understand me?  I have absolutely no fear about anything, whatsoever, including feelings of fear related to the death of my father.

FARRIS
And I’m not at all still in love with you.

HAL
I’m glad we’ve made these plot points perfectly clear. 

EXT.  SKY.  LATER

The two fly their planes against two automated planes.

FARRIS
There’s no way we can beat these planes.

HAL

There’s always a way.  What’s their operating system?

FARRIS
Apple Tiger OS.  Why?

HAL

(shuts off his weapons)

we’ll be fine.

FARRIS
What makes you say that?

The two automated planes suddenly fall out of the sky.

FARRIS
What happened?

HAL
They had to shut down in order to install those fifteen new Itunes updates.  Once again, man has proven his superiority over machine…

At once, his plane flies into a tailspin.

EXT.  AIRFIELD.  FLASHBACK

Hal is looking up at his FATHER.

HAL
Are you afraid, dad?

FATHER
Why should I be afraid?  I’m not even flying the plane.  I’m just taking a Southwest flight to Vegas.

He boards the plane. 

The plane taxis to the runway.  The plane starts to take off.  The plane takes off successfully.

EXT.  VEGAS AIRPORT.  LATER

The plane lands successfully.  Hal’s Father gets out and calls him. 

FATHER
Hal, it’s your father.  See, you had nothing to worry…

His father is suddenly stepped on by an elephant.

INT.  HAL’S COCKPIT.  CONTINUOUS

FARRIS

(over intercom)

Eject!  Eject!

Hal ejects.

INT.  FARRIS’S OFFICE.  LATER

Hal stands across from Carol, her father, MR. FARRIS, and SENATOR OSCAR WINNING CHARACTER ACTOR

MR. FARRIS
Well, if it isn’t Wade Wilson.

HAL
I’m Hal Jordan, sir.

MR. FARRIS

Whatever.  You’ve embarrassed this company in front of Senator Oscar-Winning Character Actor.

SENATOR OSCAR-WINNING-CHARACTER-ACTOR
Trust me, kid.  You’re not the only one on autopilot right now.

MR.  FARRIS

You’re fired.

HAL

You can’t fire me because I accept your promotion.

MR. FARRIS

I think you’re supposed to say “you can’t fire me because I quit.”

HAL

Why would I quit when I was just promoted?

MR. FARRIS

Excellent question.  That’s why I like you, Hal.  You deserved that promotion.

CAROL

Dad!

MR.  FARRIS
Oh, right.  Yes, you’re fired!

EXT.  BEACH.  LATER

Abon Sur’s ship crashes.

He looks at his ring.

SUR
Go and find a worthy successor.  I shall never play tennis again.

The ring flies off.

EXT.  BAR.  NIGHT

Hal walks out of a bar.  Three GUYS surround him.

GUY 1

We told you to watch your back.

HAL
What?  Who are you?

GUY 1

I was in the previous scene.  I was the guy standing kind of in the background.  We work at the company.  Thanks to you, we all got laid off.

HAL

Thanks to me?  The company goes belly up because of the loss of one military contract?  If anything, you should be blaming the board of directors for what was surely a decade of decadent and risky business decisions.

GUY 2

He’s right.  Let’s go beat those guys up.

GUY 1

Yeah!

They walk off.  Green energy grabs HAL.

EXT.  BEACH.  MOMENTS LATER

The green energy drops Hal at the beach.  Hal sees the crashed ship and Abon Sur.

An elephant suddenly steps on the ship.

HAL
Nooo!  Just like my father!!!

He shoos away the elephant and pulls Abon out of the wreckage.

ABON

(hands him the ring)

The ring has chosen you, Wade Wilson.

HAL
Hal Jordan.

ABON

Speak the oath into the lantern, and embrace your destiny.  I am dying.  How can a man live when he no longer has a decent backhand? 

He dies. 

INT.  HAL’S APARTMENT.  LATER

Hal, wearing the ring, stares at the lantern.

HAL
Why am I called “The Green Lantern?”  This is the Green Lantern.  Superman doesn’t call himself the name of his power source.  Otherwise, he’d be known as “The Sun.”  And batman would be known as “The Stock Market.”

The Green Lantern shines.

Hal holds up his hand—in a trance.

HAL
On my honor I’ll do my best to help myself and to hell with the rest.

He’s suddenly wearing the green lantern uniform.  At once, he flies off into space.

Interview with a Vampire

Recently, I had the pleasure of sitting down for an in-depth interview with one of the world’s most famous vampires, the Count from Sesame Street.  The following is an excerpt from the interview:

JOSH:  Can you describe for us how you became a vampire?

COUNT:  Certainly.  I was living in New Orleans in the late 1700’s, where I taught math to white slave owners.  They were getting embarrassed whenever they would loose count while giving out the forty lashes.  I confess that I found the whole thing to be tedious.  I had grown far beyond basic arithmetic.  By that point, I was already flirting with imaginary numbers.  It was at this time in my life that I met Lestat, a mysterious man with a penchant for plain geometry.  Also, he was a vampire.  He persuaded me to turn by suggesting that, if given the chance to be immortal, I could have the time I needed to figure out the unified field theory.  So I jumped at the chance, and he turned me there and then.

JOSH:  And how did you find life as a young vampire?

COUNT:  Well, let us just say that the moral implications multiplied exponentially.  I suddenly had the raw, unbridled lust for human blood.  But I would not allow myself to become the monster, so I made a rule:  I would only suck the blood of people with below-average math scores.  I figured I’d be doing both myself and the white-collar labor force a great service.  It was difficult in those early years, because these were the times before SAT scores were readily available. 

JOSH:  You were living, at that time, with Lestat and a young girl named Claudia. Can you tell us a bit about Claudia?

COUNT:  Of course.  Claudia was a young girl who had been infected by the plague, which was a shame because she was far ahead of the other children in her pre-algebra class.  Lestat turned her into a vampire and gave her to me as a gift.  Though her body remained that of a five-year-old, her mind matured.  She was the closest thing I had to a lover, but we never expressed our feelings physically.  No matter how you looked at it, the numbers just didn’t add up.  We both grew tired of Lestat—he had become obsessed with “new math,” and this was not something that should be shoved down children’s throats during their formative years, metaphorically or literally.  So we slit his throat and set fire to his corpse.

JOSH: For a period of time after you became a vampire, I understand you spent a few years in Europe?  

COUNT:  We encountered a troupe of Vampire actors who would eat their victims in front of an audience.  I tell you—it’s the only way to watch an Ibsen play without falling asleep.  Unfortunately, Lestat returned and got Claudia and I into hot water because you’re not supposed to try to kill the vampire who created you.  On top of it, he had just finished a paper on metaphysical importance of 0, and he’s one of those people who get pissy if you don’t immediately read their work.  Sadly, he convinced the other vampires to throw Claudia into a courtyard at sunrise.  So I set fire to his corpse again and slit his throat again, and then I set fire to the theatre vampires, and to their vampire accountants, just for good measure.  After that I returned to the states.

JOSH:  And what have you been doing since then?

COUNT:  I hit rock bottom in the first part of the 20^th century.  I’d take in prostitutes, teach them basic trig, and then eat them.  I slit Lestat’s throat and set him on fire at least ten times—twice a decade.  Then Seseme Street came along—it’s been both a blessing and a curse, because though I’m back to farting around with basic arithmetic, I finally have the financial freedom to concentrate on the unified field theory. 

JOSH:  Do you have any plans for the future?

COUNT:  Steven Hawking and I are co-authoring a paper-which is really a love letter to Copernicus.  Other than that, I’m doing the show and just trying to keep busy.

JOSH:  Thank you very much for your time.

COUNT:  My pleasure.  Ha ha ha.

A LOST PASSAGE FROM HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE

A LOST PASSAGE FROM HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE

            Harry’s fate had been sealed.  The Sorting Hat had proclaimed that he would become a member of Gryffindor House.  Relieved, he made his way to his comrades.

            “Wait,” Dumbledore said.  “There is one more trial that you must undertake.”  He withdrew from his robes a small plastic package, which he ripped open with his teeth.  “I give you… the Sorting Condom.”

            Harry’s blood froze.  He had, after all, spent the last few years of his life in the public school system.

            “Harry,” Dumbledore said (or, rather, intoned), “I want you to put this on your penis, and the Sorting Condom shall tell you who shall be your true love.”

            Dumbledore handed Harry the condom.  “In my day, your professor put the Sorting Condom on for you.  But alas, the wizard attorneys are far more powerful now then they once were.”

            Harry turned his back to the crowd, and attempted to put on the condom.  Ten minutes later, he had succeeded.

            At once, the condom spoke; it’s rough voice muffled from under Harry’s robes.  “Well, folks, he is, in fact, a Jew.  But I think we all suspected that from day one.  Let’s see here…” the condom groped Harry’s as-yet-undeveloped manliness for several seconds.  “Yeah, yeah, ok, ok… Ginny.”

            “Who?”

            “Ginny.”

            “My sister Ginny?”  Ron Weasley shouted.

            “Bingo.”

            “But she’s only nine years old!”

            The Sorting Condom sighed (at least, it felt to Harry like he sighed).  “You don’t  need to move on this right way.  You’ve got seven books.  And don’t worry—you’ll have other flames here and there.  But Ginny is the one.  Trust me—you’re gonna love that spicy ginger pussy.”

            “Hey!”  Ron shouted.

            “The Sorting Condom doesn’t lie.  Sexual compatibility is not something to be underestimated.   And it’s not always something you can fix with the wave of the magic wand.  Speaking of which, Ginny’s going to like it rough, so perfect the expecto patronus spell.”

            “I’m going to kick that condom’s ass!”  Ron shouted, kicking Harry in the balls.

            “Hey!  I… didn’t do anything!”  Harry fell to the floor, groaning.

            “Your turn, Ron,” Dumbledore proclaimed, with a peculiar smile on his face.

            “I’m not wearing that after Harry put it on!”

            “This is a sacred tradition,” Dumbledore said.  “Either you’re putting it on, or I’m putting it on for you.

            Harry, recovered from the blow, removed the Sorting Condom and handed it to Ron, who leered as much as a ten year old can leer under such circumstances.  Grimacing, Ron turned away from the crowd and fifteen minutes later, he wore the Sorting Condom.

            The condom groped around for a moment and cleared his throat.  “Kid—you gotta wash this area.  Seriously.  I swear to God, I think there’s a little bit of fondue down here.”

            “Get to the point,” Dumbledore said.

            “Right, right.  Ok, Ron.  Let’s see… uh huh… uh huh… uh huh… Hermoine.”

            “Fuck you!” Hermoine shouted.  She, more than anyone, was shocked with her word choice.

            “Don’t worry,” the Sorting Condom continued.  “She’ll mellow out after she gets on antidepressants.  But I’ve got bad news for you.  She’s going to need a lot of foreplay.  So you better clear your calendar.”

            “Now it’s your turn,” Dumbledore said, turning to Hermione.  “I present to you the Sorting I.U.D.”

An M. C. Escher Romance Novel

The following is the exclusive first look of the the beginning of the first chapter of the forthcoming Romance Novel entitled
 "Love evoL."

_______________

   Hans opened the door to his estate and immediately ran downstairs into the attic.  Lucile, unable to contain her own throbbing passions, was waiting for him there, naked, and also without clothes.  He trained his eye on her beautiful red hair, tracing their wavy lines down past the fullness of her bosom, down further to her belly button, then to her glowing woman parts, and below that... to an inverse belly button, inverse bosom, and an inverse head that stood on the floor.  

  "I cannot resist you," he said.  He began ripping the clothes from his body, only to find himself even more fully clothed.  

  "Allow me," she said, hopping over to him.  

  She sensually buttoned up his shirt, and then, purring like a kitten, she buckled his belt and zipped up his fly.  There he was, now fully naked.

  His animal instincts took over.  He threw her onto the bed, and climbed on top of her, kissing her passionately.  His tongue pierced the rouge battlements of her lips, and he tasted not joy, not rapture, but linoleum.  Realizing that he was kissing the foot head, he quickly spun her around and began sucking the love essence from the lips of his prisoner, who was at once his captor, as his hands clasped her breasts with the urgency of a panicked assistant manager.

  At once, he entered her, his throbbing penis traveling like the fist of a raging alcoholic ultimate fighter through a wall.  

  And as he gave a mighty thrust, he was at once perplexed, for he felt, from the opposite side of the room, someone suddenly thrusting into him.

  

For Sale: Castle Grayskull: 100 bed/100 bath

FOR SALE:  Castle Grayskull; located in the picturesque forests of Eternia, this castle boasts a terrific view of Snake Mountain.  Interior is in great condition, save for droppings on the floor, as previous owner was half woman/half snow owl.  Comes with infinite power source that will give occupant super human strength.  Walk-ins welcome.

FOR LEASE:  Cat's Lair; this homage to gothic architecture has proven to be one of the most attractive properties on Third Earth.  Comes with a pair of two-car garages located in each of the Lair's "paws."  Retractable drawbridge provides added security from Mutants, Mum-Ra, and the occasional Robear Burble.  2,500 per month, 1 year lease, $500 deposit.  Use Thundercat signal to call Lion-O for more details.

 FOR RENT:  Former Rebel Stronghold on Hoth; skiers and snowboarders rejoice!  This new property on the ice planet of Hoth has just become available.  50 bed/50 bath, complete with command center, launch bay, and giant outer door.  Minor fire damage due to recent Imperial incursion.  500 per month.  If interested, flag nearest probe droid.

FOR SALE:  MEGAZORD:  The Power Rangers have new Megazords, so all old Megazords must go!  Complete set available, including Mastodon, Pterodactyl, Triceratops, Saber-Tooth Tiger, and Tyrannosaurus.  All Zords can be combined to form a Megazord, or remain separate if there are only compact parking spaces available.  01 City 00 Highway.  $500 or best offer.

YARD SALE:  Location: Veridian 3.  Enterprise D has just crashed, so we're throwing a three-day yard sale.  Great deals on tricorders, PADDs, Self-sealing-stem-bolts, coolant tanks, computer cores, isolinear rods, Mr Worf's workout videos, Ready Room goldfish.  Bring the whole family!

Christopher Nolan's next project: Rainbow Brite Begins

The following is a script from a trailer for the forthcoming Christopher Nolan film, Rainbow Brite Begins.  (Many Bothans died to bring us this information.)


INT.  PRISON CELL.  DAY

Two GUARDS throw WHISP (soon to be RAINBOW BRITE) into the cell.  We see the outline of a figure standing in the corner.  This figure is MURKY, played by Lliam Neeson.

MURKY

Is this how one of Earth's orphan girls spends her time?

WHISP

How do you know who I am?  Who are you?

MURKY

My name is Murky.  But I represent.. the King of Shadows.

WHISP

Huh.  A Vigilante.

MURKY

No, no.  A vigilante is someone who is out for revenge.  He can be destroyed.  But if you could make yourself a symbol, you could become something greater.

WHISP

What?

MURKY

A legend, Ms. Whisp.  Take this box of Crayola Crayons to the top of the mountain.  There, we will train you.

EXT.  MOUNTAIN.  LATER

Whisp trudges up the mountain.

INT.  NINJA COMPOUND.  LATER

Montage scenes of Whisp training.  Whisp has trouble choosing between a red and a blue crayon.

MURKY (V.O.)

You know how to color with ten colors, we can teach you to color with ten thousand colors...

Murky shows her a purple crayon.  She nods in understanding.

EXT.  LAKE.  LATER

Whisp and Murky are sword fighting with those giant novelty crayons.

MURKY

Always learn to mind your surroundings...

He trips her up with the crayon and draws a frowney face on her forehead.

EXT. STREET.  LATER

TWINK (played by Michael Caine) opens the door of a limo for Wisp as she approaches.

TWINK

Ms. Whisp... welcome back.

INT.  LIMO.  MOMENTS LATER

Twink sits with Whisp.

WHISP

I need to make myself into a symbol.  Show the people of the colorless world that there is still justice.

INT.  R & D LAB.  LATER

ROMEO (played by Morgan Freeman) shows Whisp a prototype color belt.

ROMEO

This is a Kevlar Color Belt, with forty-two thousand pixels.  

WHISP

(pointing to something behind him)

What's that?

Pan to reveal Starlight, a horse w/ wings.

ROMEO

Starlight?  A yes.  He is a horse that was originally designed for rampless jumps.

EXT.  CITY.  LATER

We see Wisp as Rainbow Brite riding the horse through the city.

INT.  WEARHOUSE.  LATER

A bunch of Thugs, led by LURKY, are startled by a sound.

LURKY

She's here...

THUG 1

Who?

LURKY

The RAINBOW Brite...

A rope pulls Lurky to the rafters.

Wisp, now RAINBOW BRITE, is holding onto the other end of the rope, grabs Lurky by the hair.

BRITE

(low gravely voice)

Where are the color kids?!

LURKY

I don't know!  I swear to God!

BRITE

Swear to me!

She uses magic markers to color all over Lurky's face.

EXT.  ROOF.  LATER

Rainbow Brite is about to jump off the roof.  the MALE LOVE INTEREST stops her.

MALE LOVE INTEREST

Wait!  You could die!  At least tell me who you are!

RAINBOW BRITE

(low gravely voice)

It's not who I am underneath, but what I doodle that defines me.

MALE LOVE INTEREST

...Wisp?!

Rainbow Brite jumps off, landing on Starlight.

They swoop toward the camera.

RAINBOW BRITE BEGINS

The Virgin's Kama Sutra

POSITION 1:  I hate my fucking life and I want to die, aka child's pose.

Start out face down in the fetal position, arms outstretched (unless you are completely without hope, then, if you choose, you can cradle yourself).

           KAMA SUTRA FUN TIP:  If you're feeling like you're about to cry, but you're not quite getting over the hump, just remember that you didn't say goodbye to your grandmother when you had the chance.

POSITION 2:  Cherry Blossom Opens in the Sun.

Taking a moderately expensive piece of equipment, throw it toward the ceiling while uttering one of the following curse words.  "Fuck," "Bitch," or, if the situation calls for it, "C--t."

POSITION 3:  Naughty Monkey spies on the Tigers.

With your underwear around your ankles, seated at the edge of your chair,  surf the web for a porn clip that compliments your neuroses.

          KAMA SUTRA FUN TIP:  Use your non-dominant hand to masturbate.  It'll take a bit longer for you to get yourself off, due to the hand's lack of experience.

POSITION 4:  Injured Viper Spies Prey, but Decides Against It.

WARNING:  This position requires you to actually be in a public place, with other human beings.

Go to a coffee house to work on a screenplay that is sure to not be produced.  Find an attractive woman seated nearby, ask yourself "what am I going to say to her" and do nothing as she walks away.

       KAMA SUTRA FUN TIP:  Find a reason why she would not be a good person to get to know--the shallower the reason, the better.

POSITION 5:  Naughty Monkey spies on Tigers Again.

(see above)

POSITION 6:   Cantankerous Panda watches Babylon 5 on Netflix.

It's all in the title.