GREEN LANTERN - A PARODY

GREEN LANTERN- A SUMMARY

EXT.  SPACE.  TUESDAY

A large spaceship flies by.  ABON SUR stares out of the cockpit.  ABON SUR is speaking via intercom to SINESTRO.

ABON SUR
No sign of the cause of the destruction of all these planets. 

SINESTRO
Uh, Abon, you’re a Green Lantern, right?

ABON SUR
Yes.

SINESTRO
You can fly through space using only the power of your ring, right?

ABON SUR
Yes.

SINESTRO
Then why are you flying a spacecraft?

ABON SUR
It makes taking a shit tons easier.

Abon Sur is at once attacked by PARALLEX, a massive black and yellow cloud of evil.

ABON SUR
You snuck up on me!

PARALLEX

I know.  Kind of shocking, considering I’m the size of a small moon.

He stabs Abon Sur in the shoulder.

PARALLEX
There!  You’ll never play tennis well again!

Abon Sur runs into an escape pod and leaves the ship.

PARALLEX

I should go after that slowly escaping escape pod, but I do need to use the restroom…

INT.  HAL JORDAN’S APARTMENT.  DAY

HAL lies in bed with a beautiful woman. 

He wakes up and looks at the clock.

HAL
Oh no!  I’m late!

He gets out of bed.  (note that he is wearing a pair of underwear that looks like it just came out of the packaging)

HAL

(to woman)
It was enjoyable doing PG things with you last night.  But I have to go!

INT.  LOCKER ROOM.  LATER

Hal is getting into his pilot’s outfit.  CARROL FARRIS, the love interest, enters.

FARRIS
How dare you arrive two or three minutes late on the day of a test flight!  We have to fly against those automated planes, and you know how automated planes get when they’re kept waiting.

HAL
I’m not afraid.

FARRIS
I never said you were…

HAL
Do you understand me?  I have absolutely no fear about anything, whatsoever, including feelings of fear related to the death of my father.

FARRIS
And I’m not at all still in love with you.

HAL
I’m glad we’ve made these plot points perfectly clear. 

EXT.  SKY.  LATER

The two fly their planes against two automated planes.

FARRIS
There’s no way we can beat these planes.

HAL

There’s always a way.  What’s their operating system?

FARRIS
Apple Tiger OS.  Why?

HAL

(shuts off his weapons)

we’ll be fine.

FARRIS
What makes you say that?

The two automated planes suddenly fall out of the sky.

FARRIS
What happened?

HAL
They had to shut down in order to install those fifteen new Itunes updates.  Once again, man has proven his superiority over machine…

At once, his plane flies into a tailspin.

EXT.  AIRFIELD.  FLASHBACK

Hal is looking up at his FATHER.

HAL
Are you afraid, dad?

FATHER
Why should I be afraid?  I’m not even flying the plane.  I’m just taking a Southwest flight to Vegas.

He boards the plane. 

The plane taxis to the runway.  The plane starts to take off.  The plane takes off successfully.

EXT.  VEGAS AIRPORT.  LATER

The plane lands successfully.  Hal’s Father gets out and calls him. 

FATHER
Hal, it’s your father.  See, you had nothing to worry…

His father is suddenly stepped on by an elephant.

INT.  HAL’S COCKPIT.  CONTINUOUS

FARRIS

(over intercom)

Eject!  Eject!

Hal ejects.

INT.  FARRIS’S OFFICE.  LATER

Hal stands across from Carol, her father, MR. FARRIS, and SENATOR OSCAR WINNING CHARACTER ACTOR

MR. FARRIS
Well, if it isn’t Wade Wilson.

HAL
I’m Hal Jordan, sir.

MR. FARRIS

Whatever.  You’ve embarrassed this company in front of Senator Oscar-Winning Character Actor.

SENATOR OSCAR-WINNING-CHARACTER-ACTOR
Trust me, kid.  You’re not the only one on autopilot right now.

MR.  FARRIS

You’re fired.

HAL

You can’t fire me because I accept your promotion.

MR. FARRIS

I think you’re supposed to say “you can’t fire me because I quit.”

HAL

Why would I quit when I was just promoted?

MR. FARRIS

Excellent question.  That’s why I like you, Hal.  You deserved that promotion.

CAROL

Dad!

MR.  FARRIS
Oh, right.  Yes, you’re fired!

EXT.  BEACH.  LATER

Abon Sur’s ship crashes.

He looks at his ring.

SUR
Go and find a worthy successor.  I shall never play tennis again.

The ring flies off.

EXT.  BAR.  NIGHT

Hal walks out of a bar.  Three GUYS surround him.

GUY 1

We told you to watch your back.

HAL
What?  Who are you?

GUY 1

I was in the previous scene.  I was the guy standing kind of in the background.  We work at the company.  Thanks to you, we all got laid off.

HAL

Thanks to me?  The company goes belly up because of the loss of one military contract?  If anything, you should be blaming the board of directors for what was surely a decade of decadent and risky business decisions.

GUY 2

He’s right.  Let’s go beat those guys up.

GUY 1

Yeah!

They walk off.  Green energy grabs HAL.

EXT.  BEACH.  MOMENTS LATER

The green energy drops Hal at the beach.  Hal sees the crashed ship and Abon Sur.

An elephant suddenly steps on the ship.

HAL
Nooo!  Just like my father!!!

He shoos away the elephant and pulls Abon out of the wreckage.

ABON

(hands him the ring)

The ring has chosen you, Wade Wilson.

HAL
Hal Jordan.

ABON

Speak the oath into the lantern, and embrace your destiny.  I am dying.  How can a man live when he no longer has a decent backhand? 

He dies. 

INT.  HAL’S APARTMENT.  LATER

Hal, wearing the ring, stares at the lantern.

HAL
Why am I called “The Green Lantern?”  This is the Green Lantern.  Superman doesn’t call himself the name of his power source.  Otherwise, he’d be known as “The Sun.”  And batman would be known as “The Stock Market.”

The Green Lantern shines.

Hal holds up his hand—in a trance.

HAL
On my honor I’ll do my best to help myself and to hell with the rest.

He’s suddenly wearing the green lantern uniform.  At once, he flies off into space.