Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Interview with a Vampire

Recently, I had the pleasure of sitting down for an in-depth interview with one of the world’s most famous vampires, the Count from Sesame Street.  The following is an excerpt from the interview:

JOSH:  Can you describe for us how you became a vampire?

COUNT:  Certainly.  I was living in New Orleans in the late 1700’s, where I taught math to white slave owners.  They were getting embarrassed whenever they would loose count while giving out the forty lashes.  I confess that I found the whole thing to be tedious.  I had grown far beyond basic arithmetic.  By that point, I was already flirting with imaginary numbers.  It was at this time in my life that I met Lestat, a mysterious man with a penchant for plain geometry.  Also, he was a vampire.  He persuaded me to turn by suggesting that, if given the chance to be immortal, I could have the time I needed to figure out the unified field theory.  So I jumped at the chance, and he turned me there and then.

JOSH:  And how did you find life as a young vampire?

COUNT:  Well, let us just say that the moral implications multiplied exponentially.  I suddenly had the raw, unbridled lust for human blood.  But I would not allow myself to become the monster, so I made a rule:  I would only suck the blood of people with below-average math scores.  I figured I’d be doing both myself and the white-collar labor force a great service.  It was difficult in those early years, because these were the times before SAT scores were readily available. 

JOSH:  You were living, at that time, with Lestat and a young girl named Claudia. Can you tell us a bit about Claudia?

COUNT:  Of course.  Claudia was a young girl who had been infected by the plague, which was a shame because she was far ahead of the other children in her pre-algebra class.  Lestat turned her into a vampire and gave her to me as a gift.  Though her body remained that of a five-year-old, her mind matured.  She was the closest thing I had to a lover, but we never expressed our feelings physically.  No matter how you looked at it, the numbers just didn’t add up.  We both grew tired of Lestat—he had become obsessed with “new math,” and this was not something that should be shoved down children’s throats during their formative years, metaphorically or literally.  So we slit his throat and set fire to his corpse.

JOSH: For a period of time after you became a vampire, I understand you spent a few years in Europe?  

COUNT:  We encountered a troupe of Vampire actors who would eat their victims in front of an audience.  I tell you—it’s the only way to watch an Ibsen play without falling asleep.  Unfortunately, Lestat returned and got Claudia and I into hot water because you’re not supposed to try to kill the vampire who created you.  On top of it, he had just finished a paper on metaphysical importance of 0, and he’s one of those people who get pissy if you don’t immediately read their work.  Sadly, he convinced the other vampires to throw Claudia into a courtyard at sunrise.  So I set fire to his corpse again and slit his throat again, and then I set fire to the theatre vampires, and to their vampire accountants, just for good measure.  After that I returned to the states.

JOSH:  And what have you been doing since then?

COUNT:  I hit rock bottom in the first part of the 20th century.  I’d take in prostitutes, teach them basic trig, and then eat them.  I slit Lestat’s throat and set him on fire at least ten times—twice a decade.  Then Seseme Street came along—it’s been both a blessing and a curse, because though I’m back to farting around with basic arithmetic, I finally have the financial freedom to concentrate on the unified field theory. 

JOSH:  Do you have any plans for the future?

COUNT:  Steven Hawking and I are co-authoring a paper-which is really a love letter to Copernicus.  Other than that, I’m doing the show and just trying to keep busy.

JOSH:  Thank you very much for your time.

COUNT:  My pleasure.  Ha ha ha.

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