Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Virgin's Kama Sutra

POSITION 1:  I hate my fucking life and I want to die, aka child's pose.

Start out face down in the fetal position, arms outstretched (unless you are completely without hope, then, if you choose, you can cradle yourself).

           KAMA SUTRA FUN TIP:  If you're feeling like you're about to cry, but you're not quite getting over the hump, just remember that you didn't say goodbye to your grandmother when you had the chance.

POSITION 2:  Cherry Blossom Opens in the Sun.

Taking a moderately expensive piece of equipment, throw it toward the ceiling while uttering one of the following curse words.  "Fuck," "Bitch," or, if the situation calls for it, "C--t."

POSITION 3:  Naughty Monkey spies on the Tigers.

With your underwear around your ankles, seated at the edge of your chair,  surf the web for a porn clip that compliments your neuroses.

          KAMA SUTRA FUN TIP:  Use your non-dominant hand to masturbate.  It'll take a bit longer for you to get yourself off, due to the hand's lack of experience.

POSITION 4:  Injured Viper Spies Prey, but Decides Against It.

WARNING:  This position requires you to actually be in a public place, with other human beings.

Go to a coffee house to work on a screenplay that is sure to not be produced.  Find an attractive woman seated nearby, ask yourself "what am I going to say to her" and do nothing as she walks away.

       KAMA SUTRA FUN TIP:  Find a reason why she would not be a good person to get to know--the shallower the reason, the better.

POSITION 5:  Naughty Monkey spies on Tigers Again.

(see above)

POSITION 6:   Cantankerous Panda watches Babylon 5 on Netflix.

It's all in the title.