Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Interview with a Vampire

Recently, I had the pleasure of sitting down for an in-depth interview with one of the world’s most famous vampires, the Count from Sesame Street.  The following is an excerpt from the interview:

JOSH:  Can you describe for us how you became a vampire?

COUNT:  Certainly.  I was living in New Orleans in the late 1700’s, where I taught math to white slave owners.  They were getting embarrassed whenever they would loose count while giving out the forty lashes.  I confess that I found the whole thing to be tedious.  I had grown far beyond basic arithmetic.  By that point, I was already flirting with imaginary numbers.  It was at this time in my life that I met Lestat, a mysterious man with a penchant for plain geometry.  Also, he was a vampire.  He persuaded me to turn by suggesting that, if given the chance to be immortal, I could have the time I needed to figure out the unified field theory.  So I jumped at the chance, and he turned me there and then.

JOSH:  And how did you find life as a young vampire?

COUNT:  Well, let us just say that the moral implications multiplied exponentially.  I suddenly had the raw, unbridled lust for human blood.  But I would not allow myself to become the monster, so I made a rule:  I would only suck the blood of people with below-average math scores.  I figured I’d be doing both myself and the white-collar labor force a great service.  It was difficult in those early years, because these were the times before SAT scores were readily available. 

JOSH:  You were living, at that time, with Lestat and a young girl named Claudia. Can you tell us a bit about Claudia?

COUNT:  Of course.  Claudia was a young girl who had been infected by the plague, which was a shame because she was far ahead of the other children in her pre-algebra class.  Lestat turned her into a vampire and gave her to me as a gift.  Though her body remained that of a five-year-old, her mind matured.  She was the closest thing I had to a lover, but we never expressed our feelings physically.  No matter how you looked at it, the numbers just didn’t add up.  We both grew tired of Lestat—he had become obsessed with “new math,” and this was not something that should be shoved down children’s throats during their formative years, metaphorically or literally.  So we slit his throat and set fire to his corpse.

JOSH: For a period of time after you became a vampire, I understand you spent a few years in Europe?  

COUNT:  We encountered a troupe of Vampire actors who would eat their victims in front of an audience.  I tell you—it’s the only way to watch an Ibsen play without falling asleep.  Unfortunately, Lestat returned and got Claudia and I into hot water because you’re not supposed to try to kill the vampire who created you.  On top of it, he had just finished a paper on metaphysical importance of 0, and he’s one of those people who get pissy if you don’t immediately read their work.  Sadly, he convinced the other vampires to throw Claudia into a courtyard at sunrise.  So I set fire to his corpse again and slit his throat again, and then I set fire to the theatre vampires, and to their vampire accountants, just for good measure.  After that I returned to the states.

JOSH:  And what have you been doing since then?

COUNT:  I hit rock bottom in the first part of the 20th century.  I’d take in prostitutes, teach them basic trig, and then eat them.  I slit Lestat’s throat and set him on fire at least ten times—twice a decade.  Then Seseme Street came along—it’s been both a blessing and a curse, because though I’m back to farting around with basic arithmetic, I finally have the financial freedom to concentrate on the unified field theory. 

JOSH:  Do you have any plans for the future?

COUNT:  Steven Hawking and I are co-authoring a paper-which is really a love letter to Copernicus.  Other than that, I’m doing the show and just trying to keep busy.

JOSH:  Thank you very much for your time.

COUNT:  My pleasure.  Ha ha ha.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011



            Harry’s fate had been sealed.  The Sorting Hat had proclaimed that he would become a member of Gryffindor House.  Relieved, he made his way to his comrades.

            “Wait,” Dumbledore said.  “There is one more trial that you must undertake.”  He withdrew from his robes a small plastic package, which he ripped open with his teeth.  “I give you… the Sorting Condom.”

            Harry’s blood froze.  He had, after all, spent the last few years of his life in the public school system.

            “Harry,” Dumbledore said (or, rather, intoned), “I want you to put this on your penis, and the Sorting Condom shall tell you who shall be your true love.”

            Dumbledore handed Harry the condom.  “In my day, your professor put the Sorting Condom on for you.  But alas, the wizard attorneys are far more powerful now then they once were.”

            Harry turned his back to the crowd, and attempted to put on the condom.  Ten minutes later, he had succeeded.

            At once, the condom spoke; it’s rough voice muffled from under Harry’s robes.  “Well, folks, he is, in fact, a Jew.  But I think we all suspected that from day one.  Let’s see here…” the condom groped Harry’s as-yet-undeveloped manliness for several seconds.  “Yeah, yeah, ok, ok… Ginny.”



            “My sister Ginny?”  Ron Weasley shouted.


            “But she’s only nine years old!”

            The Sorting Condom sighed (at least, it felt to Harry like he sighed).  “You don’t  need to move on this right way.  You’ve got seven books.  And don’t worry—you’ll have other flames here and there.  But Ginny is the one.  Trust me—you’re gonna love that spicy ginger pussy.”

            “Hey!”  Ron shouted.

            “The Sorting Condom doesn’t lie.  Sexual compatibility is not something to be underestimated.   And it’s not always something you can fix with the wave of the magic wand.  Speaking of which, Ginny’s going to like it rough, so perfect the expecto patronus spell.”

            “I’m going to kick that condom’s ass!”  Ron shouted, kicking Harry in the balls.

            “Hey!  I… didn’t do anything!”  Harry fell to the floor, groaning.

            “Your turn, Ron,” Dumbledore proclaimed, with a peculiar smile on his face.

            “I’m not wearing that after Harry put it on!”

            “This is a sacred tradition,” Dumbledore said.  “Either you’re putting it on, or I’m putting it on for you.

            Harry, recovered from the blow, removed the Sorting Condom and handed it to Ron, who leered as much as a ten year old can leer under such circumstances.  Grimacing, Ron turned away from the crowd and fifteen minutes later, he wore the Sorting Condom.

            The condom groped around for a moment and cleared his throat.  “Kid—you gotta wash this area.  Seriously.  I swear to God, I think there’s a little bit of fondue down here.”

            “Get to the point,” Dumbledore said.

            “Right, right.  Ok, Ron.  Let’s see… uh huh… uh huh… uh huh… Hermoine.”

            “Fuck you!” Hermoine shouted.  She, more than anyone, was shocked with her word choice.

            “Don’t worry,” the Sorting Condom continued.  “She’ll mellow out after she gets on antidepressants.  But I’ve got bad news for you.  She’s going to need a lot of foreplay.  So you better clear your calendar.”

            “Now it’s your turn,” Dumbledore said, turning to Hermione.  “I present to you the Sorting I.U.D.”

Thursday, May 5, 2011

An M. C. Escher Romance Novel

The following is the exclusive first look of the the beginning of the first chapter of the forthcoming Romance Novel entitled
 "Love evoL."


   Hans opened the door to his estate and immediately ran downstairs into the attic.  Lucile, unable to contain her own throbbing passions, was waiting for him there, naked, and also without clothes.  He trained his eye on her beautiful red hair, tracing their wavy lines down past the fullness of her bosom, down further to her belly button, then to her glowing woman parts, and below that... to an inverse belly button, inverse bosom, and an inverse head that stood on the floor.  

  "I cannot resist you," he said.  He began ripping the clothes from his body, only to find himself even more fully clothed.  

  "Allow me," she said, hopping over to him.  

  She sensually buttoned up his shirt, and then, purring like a kitten, she buckled his belt and zipped up his fly.  There he was, now fully naked.

  His animal instincts took over.  He threw her onto the bed, and climbed on top of her, kissing her passionately.  His tongue pierced the rouge battlements of her lips, and he tasted not joy, not rapture, but linoleum.  Realizing that he was kissing the foot head, he quickly spun her around and began sucking the love essence from the lips of his prisoner, who was at once his captor, as his hands clasped her breasts with the urgency of a panicked assistant manager.

  At once, he entered her, his throbbing penis traveling like the fist of a raging alcoholic ultimate fighter through a wall.  

  And as he gave a mighty thrust, he was at once perplexed, for he felt, from the opposite side of the room, someone suddenly thrusting into him.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

For Sale: Castle Grayskull: 100 bed/100 bath

FOR SALE:  Castle Grayskull; located in the picturesque forests of Eternia, this castle boasts a terrific view of Snake Mountain.  Interior is in great condition, save for droppings on the floor, as previous owner was half woman/half snow owl.  Comes with infinite power source that will give occupant super human strength.  Walk-ins welcome.

FOR LEASE:  Cat's Lair; this homage to gothic architecture has proven to be one of the most attractive properties on Third Earth.  Comes with a pair of two-car garages located in each of the Lair's "paws."  Retractable drawbridge provides added security from Mutants, Mum-Ra, and the occasional Robear Burble.  2,500 per month, 1 year lease, $500 deposit.  Use Thundercat signal to call Lion-O for more details.

 FOR RENT:  Former Rebel Stronghold on Hoth; skiers and snowboarders rejoice!  This new property on the ice planet of Hoth has just become available.  50 bed/50 bath, complete with command center, launch bay, and giant outer door.  Minor fire damage due to recent Imperial incursion.  500 per month.  If interested, flag nearest probe droid.

FOR SALE:  MEGAZORD:  The Power Rangers have new Megazords, so all old Megazords must go!  Complete set available, including Mastodon, Pterodactyl, Triceratops, Saber-Tooth Tiger, and Tyrannosaurus.  All Zords can be combined to form a Megazord, or remain separate if there are only compact parking spaces available.  01 City 00 Highway.  $500 or best offer.

YARD SALE:  Location: Veridian 3.  Enterprise D has just crashed, so we're throwing a three-day yard sale.  Great deals on tricorders, PADDs, Self-sealing-stem-bolts, coolant tanks, computer cores, isolinear rods, Mr Worf's workout videos, Ready Room goldfish.  Bring the whole family!