Maxim (not the magazine), report (not Minority) misc (I have nothing for this)

I reference the famous quote by Confucius, which he uttered to an Abbot at a Chinese Monastery.

CONFUCIUS:  Excuse me, but I think you're out of toilet paper.

ABBOT:  I actually don't work here.

Commentary:  By confusing the abbot with an employee of the Monastery, Confucius is actually confusing fate with destiny.  Fate involves a lack of free will, while Destiny connotes an absence of freedom of choice.  Either way, as Lao Tsu would say:

It is worse to be up shit creek without a paddle than it is to be without toilet paper.

*The above sketch is highly influenced by the writings of Woody Allen, and more importantly, Allen Woody.
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Open Mic Report:  Did two five minute sets an an open mic this evening.

SUPPORTIVE SELF:  A lot of good premises, a few laughs here and there, promising stuff.

JUDGMENTAL SELF:  Remember that scene in Schindler's List where the Jews were escorted into the showers?  Much funnier than what happened tonight.  At least, when the shower spurted water instead of gas, that was a punch line.

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The following are two goals that I will not live up to:

*Blog every day for a year.
*Start a Blog that will turn into a novel.

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Rejected scene from the last Transformers movie.

MEGATRON:  Starscream?

STARSCREAM:  Yes, Megatron?

MEGATRON:  Do you ever... dream?

STARSCREAM:  What?

MEGATRON:  Never mind.

(beat)

STARSCREAM:  I dream about the willow trees.

MEGATRON:  That sounds like a nice dream.

(And then, right after that is where they fight around the pyramids for about twenty five minutes)

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IF DAVID MAMET RE-WROTE THE FIRST SCENE IN STAR WARS EPISODE I THE PHANTOM MENACE

QUI GON:  Fucking trade federation.

OBI WAN:  Fucking trade federation.  I think some shit's going to go down.

QUI GON:  Keep your head out of your ass.

OBI WAN: Yoda would say....

QUI GON:  Fuck what Yoda would say.  It doesn't matter what Yoda would say.  What Yoda would say bears no relation to what needs to be said.  Yoda is an academic.  And that's academic.

QUI GON:  Shit's going to go down.  I choose to maintain that opinion.

QUI GON:  If you choose, you choose.  Your choice.