TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
A Parody
EXT. SPACE. LONG AGO
OPTIMUS PRIME (VOICE OVER)
Do I need to give you an opening narration? Haven’t we gotten the general idea? Autobots, Decepticons, etc. The fact is, the only reason why I do these bits of narration is because my voice is cool to listen to. It doesn’t matter what I say. Oreo cookies. Vaginas. Richard Chamberlain. There’s your narration. Enjoy the Goddamned film.
Do I need to give you an opening narration? Haven’t we gotten the general idea? Autobots, Decepticons, etc. The fact is, the only reason why I do these bits of narration is because my voice is cool to listen to. It doesn’t matter what I say. Oreo cookies. Vaginas. Richard Chamberlain. There’s your narration. Enjoy the Goddamned film.
The ARC crashes on the moon.
INT. OVAL OFFICE. EARLY 1960s.
A bunch of STATESMEN stand around PRESIDENT KENNEDY.
KENNEDY
Do you mean to tell me that an alien ship has crash-landed on the moon?
STATESMAN 1
Yes, sir.
KENNEDY
Does it have anything to do with that alien cube that was mentioned in the first film, and the alien device located within the great Pyramids that was touched on in the second film?
STATESMAN 1
We’re under strict orders from the Pentagon not to reference backstory from the first two films.
KENNEDY
Because if we do that, we could save a lot of time and suffering.
STATESMAN 1
Our orders are clear.
KENNEDY
All right then. Gentlemen, we need to get our people up to the moon and determine the origin of this alien ship, for we have “never before” encountered anything like it.
STATESMAN 1
Yes, sir.
KENNEDY
If the executives who plotted out this film have some free time, I need some help planning the Bay of Pigs.
If the executives who plotted out this film have some free time, I need some help planning the Bay of Pigs.
EXT. MOON. A FEW YEARS LATER
The Eagle lands. NEIL ARMSTRONG and BUZZ ALDRIN step out.
ARMSTRONG
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
ALDRIN
Are we still in the prologue? This makes the prologue of the Tree Of Life look rushed.
Are we still in the prologue? This makes the prologue of the Tree Of Life look rushed.
ARMSTRONG
Proceeding to crash site.
Proceeding to crash site.
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF MOON. LATER
Armstrong and Aldren reach the ship.
ARMSTRONG
We only have five minutes of air. Setting instruments to scan for McGuffins.
They search through the ship.
ARMSTRONG
Wow. This is amazing. Isn’t this amazing? Wow.
Wow. This is amazing. Isn’t this amazing? Wow.
EXT. OCEAN. LATER
Apollo 11 touches down. The astronauts take out silver briefcases and hand them to the Navy retrieval team.
ARMSTRONG
Careful. Those McGuffins are precious.
Careful. Those McGuffins are precious.
INT. SAM’S APARTMENT. PRESENT DAY
Sam Witwiki wakes up.
SAM
I had another prologue nightmare. In the last one, I was crashing the Kelvin into a Romulan ship. Oh, how I miss that nightmare now.
CASEY, Sam’s new girlfriend, walks up to him, holding a large bunny.
LOVE INTEREST
I got you this lucky bunny.
OPTIMUS PRIME knocks on the window.
OPTIMUS
I know I’m a few scenes early, but I was just checking to make sure that this is really happening. We’re going with the notion that this blonde model saw you, instantly fell in love with you, and now you’re living together.
I know I’m a few scenes early, but I was just checking to make sure that this is really happening. We’re going with the notion that this blonde model saw you, instantly fell in love with you, and now you’re living together.
SAM
If I had known this when I was signing the three-picture deal, I still would have signed it.
(to Audience)
As would ANY of you.
As would ANY of you.
OPTIMUS
Fair enough.
Fair enough.
He leaves.
EXT. APARTMENT. DAY
Sam leaves his apartment just as his parents are arriving.
MOTHER
Hello Sam! You have a small penis!
Hello Sam! You have a small penis!
FATHER
Hello Sam! I openly disapprove of you but quietly love you!
Hello Sam! I openly disapprove of you but quietly love you!
SAM
Glad they brought you back.
MOTHER
Can I just take this opportunity to break away from the film and advertise that I’ll be appearing as Blanche in the West End Production of Streetcar Named Desire?
Can I just take this opportunity to break away from the film and advertise that I’ll be appearing as Blanche in the West End Production of Streetcar Named Desire?
FATHER
And I’ll be in the new David Mamet play in Chicago.
And I’ll be in the new David Mamet play in Chicago.
SAM
(to audience)
You guys should really check these folks out. They’re terrific.
(to audience)
You guys should really check these folks out. They’re terrific.
EXT. CHERNOYBL. LATER
Optimus arrives with MAIN SOLDIER GUY and the other Soldiers.
MAIN SOLDIER GUY
The Russian Contact guy said he’d meet us here.
The Russian Contact guy said he’d meet us here.
OPTIMUS
At Chernobyl. A fitting location. A fitting metaphor.
RUSSIAN CONTACT GUY
Right this way, gentlemen! I must show you the inciting incident!
LASERBEAK, a Decepticon, watching from the shadows.
INT. REACTOR ROOM. MOMENTS LATER
The Russian Contact Guy shows Main Soldier Guy a piece of technology.
MAIN SOLDIER GUY
It appears to be something important.
Suddenly, a tentacle from a giant WORM operated by SOUNDWAVE knocks over part of the room.
EXT. FACTORY. MOMENTS LATER
The worm chases Optimus. Optimus transforms, and his trailer also transforms into a locker.
OPTIMUS
Let me take a quick second to equip myself with some weapons.
He pulls out some weapons from the locker, and puts in a couple of college textbooks and a sack lunch.
He proceeds to cut off the head of one of the smaller segments of the giant worm.
Soundwave, standing on top of the worm, looks at Optimus.
SOUNDWAVE
Optimus!
He and the worm disappear below ground.
MAIN SOLDIER GUY
Who was that?
Who was that?
OPTIMUS
That… is Shockwave.
MAIN SOLDIER GUY
How do you know him?
How do you know him?
OPTIMUS
We went to the same undergraduate university together. Though he was a business major whilst I was a communications major, we were both in the honors choir.
We went to the same undergraduate university together. Though he was a business major whilst I was a communications major, we were both in the honors choir.
MAIN SOLIDER GUY
And what is this piece of equipment?
And what is this piece of equipment?
OPTIMUS
That… is impossible.
END ACT 1
ACT II: Sam runs around and screams. Optimus makes ominous predictions. John Malcovich, Francis McDormand, John Turturro, and Patrick Dempsy do their best.
END ACT II
ACT III
EXT. CHICAGO STREET. DAY
Sam, Optimus, Main Soldier Guy, OTHER SOLDIER GUY, and the other autobots stand in the ravaged streets of Chicago.
OPTIMUS
Don’t worry. I’m sure we can figure out a way to blame all this damage on Blagojevich.
SAM
My girlfriend has been kidnapped by RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK guy, and we’ve got to go and save her.
OPTIMUS
And I must face SENTINEL PRIME, voiced by Leonard Nimoy, and thus far, the most fleshed out character in this entire series.
And I must face SENTINEL PRIME, voiced by Leonard Nimoy, and thus far, the most fleshed out character in this entire series.
EXT. CHICAGO BUILDING. DAY
Sentinel Prime turns on the McGuffins.
SENTINEL PRIME
Oh, Optimus Prime! You must learn that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
INT. MOVIE THEATRE. DAY
JOSHUA SNYDER, who’s currently watching Transformers 3, wigs out.
JOSHUA
Oh my God! That’s hysterical! Sentinel Prime, voiced by Leonard Nimoy, is quoting a line uttered by Spock in Star Trek II the Wrath of Kahn.
Oh my God! That’s hysterical! Sentinel Prime, voiced by Leonard Nimoy, is quoting a line uttered by Spock in Star Trek II the Wrath of Kahn.
Josh’s penis explodes.
INT. SKYSCRAPER. LATER
Sam sneaks into the 125th floor of the skyscraper. He pulls a gun on RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK GUY
SAM
WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?
RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK GUY
Can I get a chance to answer the…
Can I get a chance to answer the…
SAM
WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?
WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?
LOVE INTEREST
Jesus! I’m right here!
Jesus! I’m right here!
SAM
Let’s get out of here. We’ll just hop on this alien hovership.
Let’s get out of here. We’ll just hop on this alien hovership.
They do so.
EXT. SKYLINE. MOMENTS LATER
Other Decepticons fire at the hovership, which causes it to crash in a huge fireball.
EXT. STREET. CONTINUOUS
Sam brushes off a few bits of dust.
SAM
Right. Onto the next stunt.
EXT. SKYSCRAPER. CONTINUOUS
STARSCREAM flies up to Sentinel Prime
STARSCREAM
The humans have escaped!
The humans have escaped!
SENTINEL
Quickly! Get me the screenwriter!
Quickly! Get me the screenwriter!
SCREENWRITER
What’s up?
What’s up?
SENTINEL
We need to buy some time. Can you write in a sequence where the humans get trapped in skyscraper as it falls on its side?
SCREENWRITER
Are you thinking this would take two or three minutes?
Are you thinking this would take two or three minutes?
SENTINEL
Two or three? Try fifteen or twenty.
SCREENWRITER
You’re the boss.
You’re the boss.
INT. SKYSCRAPER. MOMENTS LATER
Sam et all find themselves in an abandoned skyscraper. At once, Shockwave’s giant worm rips the skyscraper apart, and the top half falls over.
As they are tossed about.
SAM
(to LOVE INTEREST)
Don’t be afraid.
Don’t be afraid.
LOVE INTEREST
I’m actually not afraid. Does anybody have any uppers?
I’m actually not afraid. Does anybody have any uppers?
EXT. SKYSCRAPER. CONTINUOUS
Optimus flies in.
OPTIMUS
I’ll save you. It’s a shame I’m not the protagonist. We could save a lot of time.
I’ll save you. It’s a shame I’m not the protagonist. We could save a lot of time.
He kills the unstoppable worm creature with a single shot to some random part of its body.
Then he gets caught in a bunch of crane ropes.
OPTIMUS
I’m caught in these ropes. I’d free myself with the sword that’s attached to my arm, but the plot’s not in any hurry, so why should I be?
EXT. STREET. LATER
Sam faces off against RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK guy.
RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK
You’re on the loosing side, Sam. I’m on the winning side.
SAM
At this point, everybody’s loosing.
RICH ATTRACTIVE PRICK
In life there are winners and there are loosers. And winners are people who attach themselves to winners. Like the British when they attached themselves to the South during the Civil War, or like when Mousilini attached himself to Hitler. Or when Darth Vader attached himself to the Evil Emperor.
SAM
And you’re the CEO of an accounting firm? Who’s your client? Bernie Madoff?
He punches the Rich Attractive Prick, who falls against the main McGuffin device, causing it to shut down.
EXT. STREET. LATER
Optimus faces off against Sentinel Prime.
SENTINEL
Optimus, can’t you understand that I… oh, the hell with it. Let’s just fight.
(fifteen minute fight scene. Optimus kills Sentinel)
MEGATRON
Excuse me, would you mind killing me as well. I just got an offer to appear as the main villain in the next James Bond film.
Excuse me, would you mind killing me as well. I just got an offer to appear as the main villain in the next James Bond film.
OPTIMUS
With pleasure.
With pleasure.
He kills Megatron.
Sam runs up to Optimus.
SAM
We did it, Optimus.
We did it, Optimus.
OPTIMUS
No, Sam. I did it.
No, Sam. I did it.
SAM
You want to do that thing where we look knowingly into each other’s eyes for a prolonged period of time?
You want to do that thing where we look knowingly into each other’s eyes for a prolonged period of time?
OPTIMUS
Sounds like a plan.
Sounds like a plan.
They look knowingly into each other’s eyes for a prolonged period of time.
THE END
